Conflict, while often considered unpleasant and uncomfortable, is an inherent part of the human experience. It can arise at home or at work, in personal or professional relationships or might spring up with strangers while running errands or interacting online. When taking a recent course ‘Understanding Conflict’ through the Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center, there were several takeaways to help shift perspective on conflict:

  • Be curious and hopeful about conflict. Just as triggers/feelings are indicators about things that are important to us, conflict presents opportunity to learn more about yourself and others.
  • Unmet needs are at the root of conflict. Being triggered by an idea, word or behavior, directly correlates to a need you have. For example, you have a need to be respected so someone interrupting you when you’re speaking is a trigger. The feelings and physical responses you experience are like a check engine light going off telling you something is not right (your need has not been met).
  • Remember the iceberg model for both yourself and others: the issue and subsequent positions people take (what you see above the surface) is only part of the story; the needs and interests (what lies beneath the surface) provide information about why something is an issue or why someone might take a specific stance surrounding the conflict. 
  • Identifying the physical responses that you experience when in conflict can provide yourself with reminders of when you might need to step away or de-escalate before engaging in any further communication.
  • Knowing the 5 different conflict styles/strategies that can be employed and tailored based on the situation can help you from feeling stuck:
    • Avoiding (Delaying) – Not engaging (right now)
    • Competing (Directing) – This is the way it needs to be
    • Compromising – Finding a mutually acceptable middle ground
    • Collaborating (Cooperating) – Working together on a solution
    • Accommodating  – Deferring to the other persons wants/needs
  • When choosing to engage in intentional conversation around conflict, remind yourself of ways to self-regulate (get calm and grounded) and what the hoped for outcome/goals are
  • Practice active listening. Be open to hearing the other person’s position and utilize some or all of the following techniques:
    • Encourage: Express gratitude and interest to know more
    • Clarify: Ask questions
    • Restate: “What I heard you say was…”
    • Reflect: Name the feeling the other person seems to be experiencing
    • Reframe: Identify what their need seems to be with a positive perspective
    • Summarize: Restate the key points they communicated
    • Validate: Acknowledge their feelings, position, experience

Bolstering self-awareness on how you respond to stress and conflict and remembering that there are a myriad of tools available to you when engaging in hard conversations will hopefully help shift the perspective on conflict. As the course instructor, Mary Dumas, said: “Understanding conflict is the art of converting discomfort into learning.”

For more information about the Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center, please visit https://www.whatcomdrc.org/.